Into the Night...

Regret?

2007-06-22T05:15:23Z

Why is it we all regret? Do I love....do I like....do I hate...? I’m so confused.

I don’t regret. I miss. I care. I’m clouded by emotion, choked by it, and I don’t know what to do - how to react. Who can feel this way? Do others feel how I feel? Do others respond how I respond? I don’t know what to do, and it’s killing me. I’ve never felt this before - ever - and the thrill of not knowing exhilarates and terrifies me. Do I love? I love, don’t I? Don’t I? ....Don’t.....

It can’t be real. I have to be exaggerating. What acceptance can I find? What love can I find? I’m not worthless....I know that. I’m not perfect, but I mean something....to somebody....I hope.... But this emotion is just...I can’t explain it. I want to hope, I want to feel, I want to dream. So much I just want to show them - show him - who I am, what I think, how I feel.

But I can’t do that. Because I’m afraid, and because I don’t know how I feel. Words can’t describe that choking, drowning feeling that comes with a single look. That warmth in a glance. The hope in a nod.

I’m a realist. It means nothing, I know this. I’m not stupid, no matter how I act or what I say. Life....love....like....is so confusing. For so long I’ve longed for this emotion, and now that it’s come, I have no idea what to do with it. I don’t know how to react or how to feel. Sensibility is the key. Don’t let thoughts cloud judgment, common sense. But what happens when common sense flees? When judgment dies?

I’m a romanticist. It means everything. The fleeting glances, the tip of the head, that smile. It means everything in the world, and then some.

It means everything, and nothing all at once.

Then fear of attachment, of being wrong, of losing something I don’t even have - or, if I do, have grasped just the fleeting, tearing slip of an edge it has to offer.

I’ll tell everyone a secret... My biggest fear is rejection. I have self-confidence. I can laugh at myself, build myself and others up, put people before me. But rejection....I can’t handle it. Outwardly, you can’t see it. I live my own life. But every choice I make is in the hopes of avoiding that fall I dread. Rejection. It scares me, and I’ll do everything in my power to prevent it, even if it means never taking the chance of something better.

So I fear rejection, and in fearing do not act. In inaction I miss chances of what might be better, and in missing those chances I the find the subtle rejection I had been avoiding. What has my life become? Where has my logic fled?

Challenge Communitites

2007-05-02T19:03:49Z

Alright, so I've joined a couple fic-writing challenge communities to practice my writing styles and the like. Just so I can keep track of what I've written for each community (Only two, no big deal), I'm going to make out a list of all the themes, and mark them off as I go.

Alright, here's how this works. This is a list of all the challenges on both sites. Whatever I strike out, I've completed. I will put the title and link to my completed story in Italics beside the theme.

Zutara 100

~~1. Beginnings~~ ( "Start Again" )
2. Ends
3. Poverty
4. Wealth
5. Two of a Kind
6. Past
7. Present
8. Future
9. First
10. Last
11. Honor
12. Tears
13. Laughter
14. Hope
15. Fear
16. Love
17. Lust
18. Truth
19. Lies
20. Clean
21. Dirty
22. Hands
23. Hair
24. Eyes
25. Skin
26. Blood
27. Mask
28. Naked
29. Clothing
30. Spirits
31. Jewelry
32. Destiny
33. Comfort
34. Attack
35. Hug
36. Kiss
37. Possession
38. Obsession
39. Conceal
40. Reveal
41. Royalty
42. Blanket
43. Dreams
44. Reality
45. Letters
46. Silence
47. Music
48. Dance
49. Nurture
50. Destroy
51. Family
52. Parents
53. Siblings
54. Friends
~~55. Enemies~~ ( "Enemy of my Enemy" )
56. Teammates
57. Strangers
58. Time
59. Suspicion
60. Guilt
61. Birth
62. Death
63. Sound
64. Smell
65. Taste
66. Touch
67. Sight
68. Elements
69. Seasons
70. Storm
71. Home
72. Forgiveness
73. Blame
74. Light
75. Dark
76. Innocence
77. Children
78. Gift
79. Colors
80. Weapon
81. Ashes
82. War
83. Peace
84. Flower
85. Strength
86. Weakness
87. Courage
88. Cowardice
89. Dangerous
90. Safe
91. Open
92. Closed
93. Choices
94. Lost
95. Found
96. Memories
97. Rain
98. Sun
99. Clouds
100 Tunder/Lightning

50 Shinobi (Sabaku no Gaara x Haruno Sakura)

01. “This is my way as a ninja”
02. deep fried vegetables
03. tossing a coin
04. Inner demons
~~05. your precious someone~~ ( "Precious One" )
06. bandage
07. shrimp
08. Hokage (or any of the ‘Kages)
09. “Ready, Steady, Go!”
10. thunderstorm
11. Lady Luck
12. tadpole
13. tricycle
14. hair clip
15. steam engine
16. bingo book
17. hopscotch
18. Dreams
19. applesauce
20. springtime of youth
21. “BAKA!” (stupid, idiot)
22. cathedral
23. cabbage patch
24. Icha Icha Paradise
25. pitter-patter
26. potato chips
~~27. violin~~ ( "Ongaku no Jutsu" )
28. blood limit
29. Leap of faith
30. flirt
31. sexy no jutsu
32. Hunter-nin
33. hair dryer
34. Puppeteer
35. shinobi
36. fiesta
37. training
38. Sing me a song (songfic of your choice)
39. silk kimono
40. heart strings
41. Rivals
42. panic button
43. ink blotch
44. pebble
45. ribbon
46. Brick wall
47. soap suds (bubble)
48. paper fan
49. Curtain call (the final act)
50. Ramen

100 Years...

2007-04-24T17:12:20Z

Type: 1st person narrative
Title: 100 Years
Rated: PG-13 for mild language
Description: Written for the Winngs Guild April 22-27 Writer's Prompt. "You have been thrown back in time 100 years, and you have no electricity. In 300-500 words, write about how you will live."
Summary: "Where was I? Well, that was open for question. When was I - the most important dilemma here - had already been solved."
Word Count: 452

100 Years

(Alias) Kodukadvakch

A hundred years…

My God, was I really that unfortunate?

I shook; though out of fear, or cold, I could not tell you. It was snowing, and it wasn’t the pretty kind of snow, either. Wet, icy drops of slushy tears fell atop my head, for it seemed the very heavens had opened up and were sharing in my misery. Standing in the grisly streets of God-knew-where, the towering buildings to the left and right of me doing little to shelter my small form from the harsh winter winds, I couldn’t help but wonder at my own bad luck.

Where was I? Well, that was open for question.

When was I - the most important dilemma here - had already been solved.

I had felt like an idiot in solving it, too, for how sane can a person look when she is ranting about ‘freaky wormholes’ and ‘purple vortexes’ while nearly jumping random civilians, asking for the date?

Eighteen-sixty…

Sitting down before I fell down, I forced myself to remain calm by breathing deeply. Organizing my thoughts - and, in the process, thinking back to what had led me to this point - only seemed to panic me more, but I couldn’t help the flurry of emotions that overtook me.

I’m trapped in the freakin’ nineteenth century!

Okay, so maybe a hundred years wasn’t that bad - I had heard of others like me getting transported further back; to other worlds, even -, but it still wasn’t a walk in the park.

I mean, come on! You trap yourself in a time way past your own experiences, never to see your family or friends again, and see how calm you turn out to be!

Okay, okay, I thought silently. Breathe. Just… breathe.

It helped, surprisingly enough, and soon I found that planning the next stages of my life was relatively easy.

Alright, so… I was stuck in the late eighteen hundreds…

Can anyone say, ‘horse and buggy?’

…With no job, no shelter, and no…

Gulp.

…Electricity.

Damn.

Okay, okay. I could work through this. I mean, I was a strong, capable business-woman from the twentieth century! I could handle a few barbarians, right?

First, get a house…

Standing from my slumped position on the sidewalk, I shook off the snow that had accumulated on my dress.

Second, get a job…

Looking left to right, I realized it was getting dark out, and that a few older men were shambling down the streets, lighting the gas lamps which adorned the cobblestone roadways.

Third, invent the light bulb…

Screw Thomas Edison. If I was going to be stuck here for the rest of my life, I was going to make the best of it.

This Is Love

2007-04-24T16:25:24Z

Type: Poetry
Title: This Is Love
Rated: PG
Description: Originally written to depict my OC's views on love, though it can be seen as a stand-alone, and probably describe the emotions of many other characters besides my original.
Summary: "We are opposites, come together by fatal attraction.... I, by your heaven; you, by my hell."
Word Count: 409

This Is Love

(Alias) Kodukadvakch

I smell it; your fear. It amuses me, entertains me…excites me. Obsession. That life-giving blood you take for granted. I need it - need you - and no matter how much you scream - no matter how much you yell and thrash and fight - I will have what I want. You please me; your voice, so high and shrill - so filled with pain. This is love.

To eat, to drink. To blend together a pain so unspeakable, an emptiness so final. This is my life. It is who I am, love, and there is nothing I can do to change it. So I drag you down into the darkness which engulfs my soul. Do you feel it now? The coldness. The emptiness. We are together. I am always by your side. You are the beauty, and I the beast. I will never let you go, darling. This is love.

Sweet, like honey. Your blood smells of roses; tastes of redemption. Come closer, love. Let me breathe in your fears as I trap you in my cold embrace. Let me kiss your tears, if but to taste heaven in their salty tracks. My life, my love, my saving grace. Scream with all you are; it is music to my ears. Your melody sounds now, and I laugh with good-natured mirth. This is love.

No, no, no, sweet child. Do not pull away. Tremble, and cry, and fear all I do to you; but do not leave me. Do not abandon me to the endless darkness tickling the edges of my vision. Do not cut the strings of my sanity with your departure. I need you, sweet. I need your blood, your breath, your soul. Forgiveness is my illusion, as safety is yours. I will not let you go. This is love.

Death. Immortality. We are opposites, come together by fatal attraction. I, by your safety; you, by my danger… I, by your heaven; you, by my hell. Love me, darling. Love me as you scream; as you yell and thrash and fight. For I will not let you go. You will never be abandoned. You are my life, my death, and my being. My soul was lost. My life was dead. You cannot escape it…cannot escape me. You are my obsession, my reason for being. And darling, no matter how much you may deny it, this is love.

Have you SEEN these pictures!?

2007-04-21T03:04:46Z

Imagine my amazement when I stumble upon this amazing website loaded with wonderful Naruto Shippuuden screenshots! I cannot help but rant at the beauty that is the Kazekage...

Warning, MAJOR spoilers is you haven't seen the Shippuuden episodes.

Words are not enough....

Zoning out, hmmm, Gaara? I love how he's grown out his hair... it's just so adorable!

Intense!Gaara is love...*sigh*

The song "Can't Touch This" comes to mind...

Awww.... Gaara's got homework! Poor kid... he's only, what, 16? And he has to go through loads and load of paperwork...being Kazekage and all.

I love this picture, and there's really no reason for it. It's just.... cleverly drawn, I suppose.

I love that look on his face. It's the "You're such an idiot" smirk.

I think Gaara looks best at night. And in this outfit. I don't know, though.... He's looks pretty much amazing in those Kazekage robes, too, if you ask me.

"What are you doing?" .....

... "Oh, snap."

"Contemplative Face" + "Serious Look" = *Death of fangirls due to excessive nosebleeds*

"What do you think you're doing; running away like that?"

I could just see Gaara at a rock concert right now, fist raised in the air.... "Rock on!!"

Oh, snap! It's the, "You're gonna die...now..." look!

I give you Gaara... parting the Red Sea.... *giggles*

Gettin' jiggy with it! .... Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Doesn't that outfit remind you of something off of Star Wars? And did his gourd just get bigger? 0_o

"Hug me.... NOW!!!"

"I SAID HUG ME!!!"

"Don't make me tell Shukaku on you..."

"And now, I'm pissed. Die already!!"

*sigh* Angsty!Gaara is love...

"You're mine, now..."

"Welcome to the grave."

"Snap, he didn't die."

Here we see Gaara contemplating a sunset while mulling over some things in his mind. This has been a source of inspiration for my story, "Midnight Tears", since my Gaara also looks to sunsets as a source of comfort. It's so... tender, really.

I love his eyes in this picture. They're so troubled, yet clearer than before. And, notice how they change to a greenish hue in lieu of dawn. Usually they're blue (In my opinion, at least.).

*falls out of chair* Is that a GENUINE smile... coming from GAARA!!! *fangirl squee* How CUTE!!!!

"In darkness I hide; a shelter from life. And the pain of this world can only pass by, as I stand here, unaffected."

Shattered, in every sense of the word.

"I may be broken, but I am not done fighting yet."

Just a question.... Why the tail? Why not the back? Must Gaara suffer being hauled around in front of a bird's butt?

...Talk about dry skin... yikes!

"Why...why me?"

God, this part in the anime made me cry... Poor Gaara. It wasn't fair...

I've always wondered... why the heck does Gaara always look like a freakin' sandy corpse whenh he's defeated in battle, or weak, or unconscious? I don't get it...

...Well, I hope you enjoyed my little rant on Shippuuden!Gaara screenshots! There will be more to come...hopefully. :P

Oh, yeah. All of these pictures were found on http://media.shippuden.net/.

Breaking of a Truth

2007-04-16T05:05:51Z

Poetry, what else? I found this in a random word document, unfinished, and had the urge to complete it. It follows an "A,B,C,B" rhyme scheme, and a 4-syllable iambic pentameter-type pattern. Other than that, it's a mess of jumbled thoughts. "Organized madness," I suppose you could call it...

"Breaking of a Truth"
By (Alias) Kodukadvakch

Love is a life,
Feared by the meek.
Heartbreak a song,
Sung by the weak.

Touch of the lips,
Ghost of a smile,
Makes life and love
Living worthwhile.

Melody sung,
Rising again.
Passions are high,
Candlelight dim.

Darkness engulfs,
Moonlight is bright.
Setting our hopes
On starry night.

Clasp of the hands,
Look in your eyes
Makes life and love
Worth the surprise.

Love is a world
Lived by the mad.
Sense is a song
Sung by the sad.

Heartbreak a life,
Borne by the strong.
Sorrow a truth,
Seen all along.

Blindness a choice,
Poison we drink.
Breaking the veil,
Tearing the link.

Life is a start,
Death is an end.
Power a high,
Sanity ends.

Love is a ghost,
Life a caress.
Ending is near,
Truth becomes less.

Understand I,
Paralyze you.
Madden our hope,
Killing it too.

Breathe it again,
Leave it alone.
Call of the beast,
Strike of the stone.

Harken to light,
Harken to dark.
Follow this path,
Follow this start.

For,

Love is a life,
Feared by the meek.
Heartbreak a song,
Sung by the weak.

Touch of the lips,
Ghost of a smile,
Makes life and love
Living worthwhile.

If Life Gives You Lemons...

2007-04-09T19:04:53Z

... Make another story outline.

Okay, so this is less of an outline, and more of a dumping zone for ideas; but, hey, I'm not complaining.

Things That Will Happen in MT (Distant/Near Future)
          - Sasuke/Gaara fight; Sakura must choose between the two.
          - Sarutobi dies; Funeral procession.
          - "Sex Ed" for Gaara; Gaara learns that reproduction does not happen asexually. (Note: Research various desert animals, find out which ones reproduce asexually, and various mating habits of others.)
          - Deal 1* and Deal 2** made between Gaara and Sakura.
          - Sasuke and Gaara rivalry over Sakura***

Things That I Would Like to Happen in MT (Distant/Near Future)
          - Slight build up of Shika/Temari relationship.
          - Either romance or friendship between Kankuro/Hinata.
          - Sakura verbally denounces Sasuke as her love, preferably in front of a crowd/many friends.
          - Gaara makes Sakura act as if they are courting in front of her friends, by threatening to not agree with her deal.
          - Sakura shows Gaara what Butterfly Kisses are.
          - ~~Gaara contemplates the perplexities of rain, while Sakura explains what it is. (Being from the desert, he has never seen water fall from the sky.)~~

Things to Remember
          - Sakura's poison.
          - Team 7's relationship (Note: Write more scenarios involving Naruto/Sasuke/Sakura together.)
          - Sakura doesn't know about Shukaku.
          - Sakura doesn't know about the Kyubi.
          - Sakura doesn't know about Gaara's inability to sleep.
          - Sakura doesn't know that Kankuro and Temari are Gaara's siblings, or that their father is the Kazekage.

Other Information
          - *Deal 1: Sakura wants to draw some guidelines with Gaara, while at the same time not completely pushing him away. She does, after all, have to offer him her touch in exchange for information. Deal 1 basically consists of Sakura telling Gaara not to touch her unless she touches him first, and he complies. Of course, he finds a loophole in her plan by constantly standing in her way, making her touch him by pushing him off to the side. Which, in turn, allows him to handle her as he would like.
          - **Deal 2: To garner information from Gaara, Sakura offers to touch him of her own free will wherever he would like (As long as it is in a non-sexual manner.), as long as he answers any question of hers truthfully. To counter this, Gaara states that the harder the question she asks, the more intimate a place she much touch him. She may only ask one question a day, and if she refuses to touch him, he will not answer it. Also, Gaara must answer this question in complete sentences, being as descriptive and truthful as possible. The sand-controller uses this to his advantage by initiating the rules of Deal 1 with the rules of Deal 2. In other words, everytime she touches him, he would then in turn touch her. Protesting this, Sakura refuses to ask any questions at all if it means he would take advantage of her like this, so to even the playing field, they decide that whatever Sakura touches, Gaara may touch also. Their exchanges would go a little like this:
                Sakura: "Why do I never see you sleep?"
                Gaara: "Left arm."
                Sakura: *Strokes arm*
                Gaara: *Takes her left arm in his hands* "I am insomniac. I don't sleep. I've never slept in my entire life."
                Sakura: *Still holding arm* "Why can't you sleep?"
                Gaara: *Grinning evilly* "Only one question a day, remember?" *Continues to hold arm*
          - ***Sasuke/Gaara Rivalry: Sakura, in an attempt to quell Gaara's madness, begins to hang around him more often; talking, touching, and just being all-around friendly. Sasuke, not liking this, decides to start giving Sakura the attention she's always wanted from him. Because Sasuke knows he isn't yet strong enough to beat Gaara physically, he uses Sakura's affection to one-up the sand-controller. This turns out to be a sort of rivalry between the two, with each seeing who can win over Sakura's heart.

Quotes To Use
          - ~~Gaara(To Sakura): "I allow you to live for touch alone, but if you stand in the way of my existence, I will kill you."~~
          - Gaara(To Sakura): "Are you afraid of monsters? I don’t waste my time with sniveling children."
          - Kankuro(To Sakura/Referring to horrible musicianship): "I don’t know what crap sounds like, but I’m pretty sure that’s close."
          - Gaara(Referring to a sleeping Sakura): She looked dead, like a bloodless corpse, and was perhaps the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life.
          - Gaara: Love brought weakness. Hate brought strength. Two opposites in every aspect of their being, yet they were oddly connected.
          - Gaara: I would have been surprised at my own bold actions, had my sanity not been drowned in memories.
          - Sakura: It wasn’t even the light, fluffy snow which usually accompanied a Dogwood Winter. Instead, the flakes seemingly melted half-way on their descent from heaven, and turned to ice the moment they touched your skin.
          - Gaara: The sky was... dripping water? But that wasn't right. Water came from the underground rivers of Suna; from the pipes which tapped into the reserves of an oasis. It didn't fall from the sky. That was just strange.

This will be updated frequently.

But do not look, unless you want to see major spoilers. I was considering setting this to private, and am still considering doing such. It's pure chance that I went ahead and put this up as public.

* All new updates are in ITALICS.

**Update 5/7/07**

Update 5/2/07

Update 4/15/07

Midnight Tears Outline

2007-04-07T02:05:00Z

So, I've found out that it's a lot easier to keep track of what I've done in my fictions if I keep an outline. The following is a breif summary of each day which has passed in my fiction, "Midnight Tears," and is really just for my own benefit.

Day 0: Prologue
          - Foreshadowing/Gathering of thoughts

Day 1: Ch. 1-17
          - Sand Shinobi enter Konoha
          - Gaara and Sakura touch for 1^st time
          - Gaara and Sakura kiss for 1^st time
          - Sand Shinobi elaborate on plans
          - Conflict on the roof
          - Sand siblings talk

Day 2: Ch. 18-20
          - Sakura pulled from Chuunin Exams to take up guard duty with Shikamaru and Hinata.
          - Teams: 1) Kankuro, Hinata; 2) Temari, Shikamaru; 3) Gaara, Sakura
          - Teams break for lunch/walk through Sakura tree park
          - Temari and Sakura grow closer

Day 3 (Mission Day 1): Ch. 21-24a
          - Sasuke convinces Sakura to spy on Gaara for him
          - Verbal conflict between Gaara and Sasuke
          - Gaara/Sakura reach mission area
          - Sakura explains ‘Friendly Push’ to Gaara
          - Chase scene, near kiss, and another fight between Gaara and Sakura

Day 4 (Mission Day 2): Ch. 24b
          - Argument between Gaara and Sakura
          - Little interaction

Day 5 (Mission Day 3): Ch. 25-26
          - Gaara and Sakura return to Konoha
          - Sakura meets with Hokage
          - New plan to pry info from Gaara revealed
          - Gaara seeks advice from siblings
          - Sakura confronted by Sasuke

Day 6 (Mission Day 4): Ch. 27 - 28
          - Sakura slowly breaks down her walls
          - Gaara and Sakura embrace
          - Sakura forgets sleeping bag
          - Gaara and Sakura converse
          - Gaara/Sakura sleep together

Day 7 (Mission Day 5): Ch. 29
          - Sakura's dream (Parallels between Gaara/Sasuke
          - Gaara kills 4 Sound shinobi
          - Gaara threatens Sakura

Day 8 (Mission Day 6): Ch. 30
          - Sakura's realization (Submitting to Gaara)
          - Shukaku's realization (He also likes Sakura's touch)
          - Gaara sees rain for the first time
          - Gaara and Sakura spend the night in a cave

* All new updates in ITALICS

**Update 6/26/07**

** Update 5/2/07 **

** Update 4/16/07 **

Insomniac

2007-04-02T03:23:23Z

Inspiration can be quite a nuisance when you're already trying to focus on another project. Ah, well, this bit of ranting may get my creative juices flowing. So, here I go, launching into full-fledged philosophical mode... beware, my friends. We travel into the night... you may find yourselves at a loss for words.

How would you describe color to a blind man? How would you describe touch to one numb of feeling? How would you describe a dream to an insomniac.

I'm sure I've said this phrase in a fanfiction of mine at some point in time, but right now I am genuinely curious as to the answer.

Insomnia is... strange, to say the least. It does something to the mind, but I can't really say if that 'something' is a bad thing or not. You see, I myself am an insomniac - though definitely not on the same level as Gaara! -, so I can understand the feelings of someone who doesn't get much sleep. I don't really dream too often, either, so that merely adds fuel to the fire.

I'm not insane, and I don't pretend to be, though some things I say tend to be very... contradictory. I walk a rough path, follow a curvy line, but the truth still remains: I know what my path is, and I am set to follow it. Things get rough along the way, and my own mindset makes me wonder. I'm Christian, you see, and though I've never doubted God's existence, I tend to be curious as to how and why certain things have happened, and sometimes I'm afraid thinking like I do might one day lead me down a road I don't want to follow.

Like I said before; I'm an insomniac, and I've found that at night, when nothing is there to distract me, my thoughts run rampant. I don't sleep well, and the only thing that gives me easy rest is music, but even that fails sometimes. I walk a thin line with my parents. My bedtime is 10:30, but no matter how hard I try, I can't even begin to feel tired until after midnight, and even then my mind doesn't wind down enough for me to sleep until around 3AM.

I run on little sleep, which is probably why I am so grouchy in the mornings; but nighttime is my forte - my time to be myself. It's a really... wonderful feeling, to be able to let go of all pretenses and be yourself.

It's strange, to, because it's so very easy to think back on things that had happened that day - or even years ago -, and formulate different situations to things that had occured. I've done that before. And I've thought about how my life would have been so much more different had I made but one choice differently.

Take fanfiction, for example. I would have never begun writing fanfiction had I not started roleplaying at this one Wolf RPG. I was 12 at the time, and my writing skills were horrible, but I learned a lot. If I had not become enthralled with the Phantom of the Opera, I would have never had the curiosity to stumble upon ff.net. Had I not seen a particular episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender, I would have never ambled into a forum discussion on Zutara and Kataang. In that discussion, someone had mentioned the parallels between A:TLA and Naruto, and had I not read that post, I would have never thought to explore Naruto for myself.

So here I am: writing a fiction about a character who I relate to deeply, and who's emotional trauma hurts me immensly to think about.

Look back on your life a year, and see how much you have changed. It's almost frightening at the difference.

I understand Gaara's insomnia, and his need for love. I am loved myself, by friends and family, yet that doesn't mean I don't have the ability to comprehend what he is going through. And with our shared experience of insomnia, I can truly grasp the instability of his mind. After all, I've talked to myself before... and though I don't hear "voices" (*rolls eyes*), I still find myself trapped in memories, and even fantasies that may or will never come true.

I think differently than others, and though in writing that is a blessing, in reality it is a curse...

Competition

2007-04-01T18:48:34Z

Wow, the competition was awesome! I had such a great time; practicing cello 'till my arm fell off (not literally), freaking out over copying off 3 different copies of my solo music, being hounded by judges on who was in what ensemble and where they were at the moment. I was in two ensembles ("Fireworks" and "Latin Doll"), and a solo ("La Cinquantaine"). The judge for both my ensembles was Mr. Chang - a hilarious Chinese guy who says "Vibrato" in an English accent... His wife, Mrs. Chang - an incredibly sweet viola player - was my solo judge.

The "Fireworks" ensemble did okay. The violin player sitting beside me was playing the viola part, which I was supposed to follow, but she was so quiet it was hard to hear her. I managed, though, and we scored a "1" (On a scale of 1-5, 1 being "Superior," the highest you can get.). "Latin Doll" was a jazzy piece between me, two violins, and a viola. I was the only girl in the group, but it was really fun. We wore dark shades as a sort of 'costume' for the piece. While we were waiting outside the door, Mrs. Chang came out and gave us a funny look, saying, "I would hate to run into you guys in a dark alley." It was hilarious!

I did pretty well on my solo, considering my cello teacher pretty much told me that if I went in there with music, he would be ashamed to claim me as his student. Yes, that's right: I had to memorize an entire 2-page piece, and play it perfectly and with emotion, all for the benefit of my cello teacher's ego. It was okay, though. He's a great teacher, and it was actually easier to feel the emotion in the piece without staring at the notes. I didn't play it perfectly: I messed up during one of the last phrases, and was sort of winging it for a measure or two, but I didn't let it show, and I still got a "1" on the piece, and plenty of compliments from Mrs. Chang.

Afterwards, my dad met up with me and my mom, and we went out to a nice restaurant to eat lunch together. The funny part was that my friend - who had been at the competition and who I had seen only fifteen minutes before - had went to the same restaurant, and our tables were right across from each other! It was pretty fun, yelling across the noise in the room to talk to each other about the competition, and what the judges had said we could improve on.

Next time you're in a crowded restaurant, and you see a friend sitting near to you, try shouting out random musical terms and see the weird looks people shoot you. It's really quite funny.

Well, that was my Saturday adventure, and now that my busy weekend is finally winding down, I should probably get to work on chapter 23 of "Midnight Tears"... So I'll let you guys go!

Much Love,

~Kodu

Yeah... What's Up?

2007-03-31T04:38:39Z

So, instead of the usual "This is my first post, blah blah blah" thing most people put up, I think I'll just cut to the chase.

I do not feel at leisure to foreclose my name to anyone on this site. I am a female, and I am sixteen. This journal is a place to vent my jumbled thoughts, and to - hopefully - interact with others who have the same interests as me (Music, writing, fanfiction, Gaasaku, Zutara, stuff like that.).

Now, for anyone who reads my fanfiction, "Midnight Tears," I realize I'm late on the update, and I have some explaining to do. First of all, I have had a busy week, riddled with Praise and Worship practice (I play piano for my church.), heaps of Biology (The most hated of all subjects.), and working my tail of on a Cello solo I'm performing for a competition this...oh, say, tomorrow. Any spare time I've had has been spent practicing for this competition, and lately I haven't had the drive to stay up as late as I usually do (I'm usually awake until 3AM working on that story for you guys...).

So then, you must be thinking, 'Why are you on here instead of using this free time to work on your story!?' The answer is simple: I've been working enough this week, and I'm tired of it. Now is the time for me to sit back, relax, and vent. Next week should be less hectic, though the week after that I have a competition on guitar/vocals and creative writing stuff. Yeah, busy busy. The funny thing is, I'm home-schooled (This is a recent development, actually.), and I was a lot busier when I first started writing "Midnight Tears" and had something to do every day of the week (Besides Saturdays.).

Writing is a love of mine, true, but music is my focus; my pursuit; my career. I want to keep writing, always, but it's just not as important as the other things going on in my life.

I suppose I'll finish up here. There's still some things I'd like to talk about, but I'll save that for a later date. It's already 12AM here, and I have to wake up by 7AM to make it to my Cello competition on time...

Love ya',

~Kodu